Processing Emotions
Early last week I made a decision as soon as I woke up that I would spend the day embracing all the negative emotions around my current job situation, like giving in to the Dark Side. I spent the day pissed off and miserable. I made those around me miserable; that was mainly my wife - I was getting on her nerves by mid-day. My somewhat conscious logic was to deal with the emotions all at once, get it out of my system and begin the process of moving on. They had been a lingering undercurrent for the past several weeks and I was tired of feeling them. I walked around the house all day saying F this, F them, F that, I even cussed out my dogs if they looked at me funny, which they often do. I felt sad, angry, like a failure, like I had no future, I embraced it all; I was getting angry about being angry.
The next day, I woke up in the best mood. I was super motivated to start the online classes I had signed up for, I started thinking about other career paths that I could create for myself. I sent several emails to my network and chatted with a few people about potential opportunities. It worked! The funny thing is, I’ve felt so much better since that Dark Side day. I’m les stressed, happier than I’ve been in ages, and full of hope for the future. I had become so used to carrying that stress and those negative emotions without dealing with it that it had become almost toxic. The ironic thing is, I posted a new profile picture on my socials and I had a big old smile on my face. I took that photo on the angry day - I must have unconsciously known that I was on the right path. I wasn’t feeling it but after that self-induced miserable day, that picture is a much better representation of me. I AM happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m able to spend more time doing the things I enjoy and my concentration has improved greatly.
Today
Years ago, when we were kids, my brother and I bought my mom a plaque for Mother’s Day that read “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!” We thought it was incredibly clever and meaningful but we really had no idea what it meant at the time; we were kids! That phrase stuck in my head and of course as I got older, I realized that it was meant to be a kind of call to action, a reminder to carpe the heck of of the diem. It’s also pretty cheesy and so appropriate for the time when we bought it (the 70’s).Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I no longer work where I’ve been for the last twenty years. That phrase is very present in my head right now and It feels especially true. I’m excited about the world of possibilities, a little nervous about all the unknowns, ready to have a little time off to disconnect. I’m looking forward to having some time for professional and creative renewal; time to explore interests and hobbies that I haven’t had the time or energy for. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to redefine myself, to figure out who I am without a work identity and who I even want to be. It’s exhilarating and frightening.
I’m also wondering how long it will take for me to let go of all the projects I had been managing or changes I’d been considering, both large and small. I had short and long term plans and they have all been living in my head. Not to mention the constant cybersecurity concerns and day to day issues and worries. It’s a little trickier for me too, because I still have a lot of connections to my former employer, family and friends that still work there. I suspect that It’s going to be hard to purge some of that from my brain, but I know I’ll get there. It was a lot of weight to carry and I’m ready for some time to rest. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
You are not the weight you carry
You are not the weight you carry
Clip the strings and float away
Live inside a sanctuary
Lose yourself to find your way
This is from the Tune Yards’ latest album, Better Dreaming from a song called Sanctuary. I’ve been listening to the album a lot, it’s so good! But this song hits me hard in the feels, especially right now. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now.
We saw them live in St. Louis several weeks ago at a small venue, Off Broadway - it was a fantastic show, so cool to see them and be so close to the stage! Music has always been important to me, but it feels especially healing right now.
It’s been a rough year for a lot of reasons, politics, work stress, politics. I found out recently that after twenty years of loyal dedication to my place of work, due to organizational shifts, my position was being eliminated. I had the opportunity to apply for a the new Associate VP of Technology position, responsible for everything I have been doing for the last eight years, plus managing the Creative Technology side of things. I applied, interviewed and an external candidate was chosen. I am now looking for a new job, though I hope to take a little time off to see if I can even remember how to chill. While a big part of my identity was tied up with my job, as is the case for many Americans, I’m trying to make the mental adjustments to remember who I am outside of work. You can be passionate about your career without it taking over your personality, at least I hope to reach that point.
I know I’ll find something else, probably with a much better salary (you’re not in private, non-profit education to get rich!) but it’s a huge adjustment for me. I’m trying to be patient with myself and feel all the feels; there’s definitely a grieving process with job loss. One thing I have learned: I have a great network of friends, family, and colleagues who genuinely care about my well-being. I couldn’t do this without their support and the support of my incredible wife. Also, my dogs have not left my side. I’m so lucky to have all of you in my life.
If you have some time in the next few weeks to meet for beverages, a phone call, or facetime, I’d love to catch up! I’ll have plenty of time while I figure out what’s next for me. Oh, and if you hear about any IT leadership roles, let me know! I’m exploring a few opportunities, but I’m open to anything right now.
Call me sentimental, a hopeless romantic, sappy, whatever you want to call it. I feel in love with the movie Somewhere in time the first time I saw it. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it, but I pretty much have it memorized. I’ve always wanted to visit the Grand Hotel at Mackinac Island, which plays a significant role in the movie. That wish came true yesterday, kind of.
My mom, who lives outside of Detroit, is turning eighty in September, but we won’t be able to make the trip to see her then so we decided to drive up this Summer. We picked her up and drove to the UP to a nice little AirBnB in St. Ignace.
We plan to explore several places, but first on the list was Mackinac Island. It was a full day of fudge, horse drawn carriages, an old fort, and beautiful views of Lake Huron. We didn’t end up making it into the hotel, but we rode past it on a horse drawn tour of the island. Did you know that the original stucture was built in 93 days? It’s a HUGE hotel, and they built an addition in the 1980’s that basically doubled its size. It’s a truly grand hotel, over looking the Lake:
Of course we came back to the cottage and watched Somewhere in Time, which they just happened to have on DVD. Post Superman Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour challenge the constraints of time to fall deeply but oh so briefly in love. In my opinion, the kiss is the most beautiful of all movies ever, so pure and poignant. And then there’s the paradox of the pocket watch and that dreadful penny.
Until today, I didn’t realize that I’m not the only one, there’s a whole cult following and a fan club. I might have to join!
Freight Train Rabbit Killer at Gigantic Records
One of my favorite local bands, Freight Train Rabbit Killer, performed last night at the grand opening of Gigantic Records. They were also celebrating the release of their new album The Ten Year.
FTRK are really hard to describe, but they rock - Doom Blues, American Roots Opera, whatever you want to call it, it’s genuinely unique. Kris Bruders (Freight Train) and Mark Smeltzer (Rabbit Killer) play the crap out of their guitars and Mark’s custom built instruments. They have a dark aesthetic to go along with the music and an ever evolving mythology. They have worked many times over the years with KCAI’s Illustration students to create truly creative, interactive performances. It’s a sight to behold and a sound to melt your brain!
The grand opening last night was fun, but it was also kind of sad. My friends Ann and Marion decided at the end of last year to close their shop (Records with Merrit) and retire. They were hoping to sell the record store to someone they knew (I was tempted!) and they finally handed over the reigns to another friend of theirs who will do a great job, I’m sure. It’s so nice to have a record store half a block from my house! Though I have to say, my wallet has been happier while the shop has been closed the last few months…
If you get a chance, check out Gigantic Records and absolutely catch a Freight Train Rabbit Killer show if you have the chance. They often play at The Ship, in fact, they are going to do another Halloween show with the Illustration students this year.
Check out the video below:
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
Talking Heads recently released a video for “Psycho Killer” off of their debut album ‘77 to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first live show at CBGB’s - opening for the Ramones (another favorite!)
‘77 was one of the first albums (on cassette) that I purchased with my own money, at the mall. The other was Joan Jett and the Blackhearts’ “I love Rock ’n Roll”.
I remember my mom expressing some concern about an album with a song called “Psycho Killer.” I told her that they sing some of the song in French, it can’t be too bad! I have been a fan of Talking Heads and David Byrne for as long as I can remember being aware of music. I’m proud to be able to claim them as one of my first albums! His quirky lyrics and moves were, and are, a huge inspiration. I’ve seen David Byrne several times but sadly never saw Talking Heads. I keep hoping for some kind of reunion announcement with their anniversary, but it would probably be a very limited tour, possibly only one show and VERY expensive. It would be AMAZING to see them!
Anniversary Glamping 2025
For our 19th Anniversary, Maura and I drove to Humboldt, Kansas at the Base Camp camping/glamping area. Humboldt is a cute town, with more to do than I expected, but we are really here to relax and celebrate each other. This is a perfect spot to disconnect from daily life and reconnect with nature. The cabin is a charming, modern tiny house with everything we need. Unfortunately, it decided to rain the whole weekend, though honestly, we don’t mind - we can can hibernate with our books, a few games, and each other. The rain is really nice on the fishing pond in front of the cabin and on the two skylights. We will definitely be back, hopefully it won’t be raining next time and we can use the fire pit next to the cabin. They also have canoes and bikes that you can borrow for the pond and trails around the campground.
Happy Anniversary, Maura Cluthe! I’m so glad we met twenty-one years ago and got married two years later. Life has been so much more fun since we met!
Lego Minifig Me
Those of you know know me at all know that I love Lego. I have an ever growing collection of sets that I would have adored as a kid. Now that I’m a grown up kid, I can actually afford them!
I was messing around with AI yesterday and got it to make a minifig version of me! It’s pretty close, without even using a source image.
What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?
I read this quote the other day and added to my ever-growing list of favorite quotes:
If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward.
- Oscar Wilde
I can relate to this so much. I remember when I was growing up, the thought of adulthood, independence, responsibility, all of it was so overwhelming. It is overwhelming sometimes, even at my age now but we learn to cope with it somehow. I chose Philosophy as a major in college because I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I even was. I still can’t say that I’ve figured it all out, even though i’ve been in my current job for almost twenty years. This qute flips the expectation of knowing on it’s head. It makes it okay and even desireable to not know. I’ve always thought of myself as constantly “becoming” me. I am constantly evolving; learning new things, skills, talents and dropping old ineffective ways of doing things. This is a good thing. I have always thought that life may as well be over once we stop growing and learning.