Something Out of Nothing

Today I launched a website. Wait, that sentence feels smaller than it should, let me try again.

A couple of months ago, after twenty years of working in technology at KCAI, most recently eight years as Director of Campus Technology, I found myself without a full-time job for the first time in a long time. While I’ve been helping folks with IT stuff outside of KCAI for many years, it hasn’t been an official business with its own identity. After taking a couple of weeks to come to terms with what happened, I decided I needed a project to sink my teeth into; that’s how Two Bit Consulting came to exist.

What nobody tells you about losing a job you loved is how much of yourself goes with it. Not just the work, but the identity. The morning routine. The sense of being needed, of having a place where your particular set of skills and experience actually matters. I didn’t realize how much of who I was had been wrapped up in what I did until it was gone. Getting that back, or building a new version of it, has been the real work of the last several weeks.

What I missed most was the actual work. Digging into a problem. Figuring out why something wasn’t working and making it right. Helping someone understand their technology instead of just fighting it. That feeling when a project comes together and the person on the other end of it is genuinely better off than they were before. I missed that more than I expected to.

Two Bit Consulting is, in part, my answer to that. It’s real work, IT support, fractional IT leadership, web design that Maura and I have been doing in pieces for years. Making it official felt like taking back some ownership over who I am and what I do, independent of whoever is signing my paycheck.

I want to be clear about what this is and isn’t. It’s not a pivot. I’m still actively looking for the right full-time opportunity in technology leadership. The job search is ongoing. Some days it’s harder than others. But having something concrete to build and point to has made the in-between feel less like waiting and more like working.

If you know of a technology leadership role that might be a good fit, I’m genuinely grateful for the introduction. And if you or someone you know needs their technology to actually work, or a website that looks like it was made on purpose, that’s what Two Bit is here for.

twobit-consulting.com - I had fun building it. Poke around, there are a few easter eggs to be found. One hint: Konami code.

It’s been a couple of months since leaving my last job. I’d been keeping busy - learning things I hadn’t had time for, helping a few people out with tech issues - and I knew my routines had changed. What I hadn’t consciously registered was what was actually missing.

Yesterday I looked up from what I was working on and realized several hours had passed without me noticing.

That’s when it hit me.

I miss problem solving. I miss helping people figure out their technology. I miss losing time to something that makes a difference. I miss having an issue gnaw at my brain for days and then - seemingly out of nowhere - the solution arriving almost fully formed, like it had been working on itself the whole time.

I needed the break; I don’t regret it. But that moment yesterday reminded me who I am and what I’m built for - and while I’m still looking for the right full-time role, I’m not waiting around to scratch that itch.

More soon.

Since I have more free time than I’ve had in many years to explore my interests in more depth I’ve been looking at and experimenting with Artificial Intelligence. It’s here now and it’s not going anywhere. I’ve always enjoyed being on the forefront of technology, but this feels different. I remember playing with Eliza, the natural language processing computer program developed in the ‘60’s to explore what communication between humans and machines could look like. It was very basic and mostly just repeated your comments back as a question, psychotherapy style. It was pretty uncanny at first but it was very limited and we got bored with it pretty quickly but it sparked an interest, as I know it did for many people, on what the future of human/computer interaction would look like.

In my recent explorations with AI (I’ve used several different platforms for different tasks) I’ve had some somewhat uncanny conversations with the chatbots. I’ve asked them for feedback on my resume with some good results. I gave one full access to all of my notes (my digital brain - a journal, articles that inspire me, job search notes, recipes, etc.) and asked it to give me a summary of what kind of person it thinks I am and what values are reflected in my notes. It’s a little surreal to have a conversation with an AI bot about yourself but I feel like it has helped give me some insight into some things that I hadn’t thought about in that way before. For example, I feel like I have a good handle on my core values, but the recent conversation brought up some other things that I know were important to me, I just hadn’t elevated them to the level of a core value.

I think about this kind of stuff a lot; I’ve been reading about metacognition lately (defined by Wikipedia as “an awareness of one’s thought processes and an understanding of the patterns behind them.” That sounds right to me. I think a lot and I think about thinking a lot. Yes, it’s a rabbit hole. Hey, there was a reason I dove headfirst into Philosophy in college and ended up majoring in it. I like knowing what makes people tick but I really like knowing what makes me tick. I’ve always believed the moment we stop pushing ourselves to learn about the world and about ourselves, we may as well just quit. I’m always trying to find new ways to evolve and explore how I experience the world. The recent conversation I had with the chatbot about my notes was enlightening, frightening, and perhaps a little self absorbed but it gave me some interesting things to think about and explore further.

I feel like I should say something about my stance on AI. I think it can be a powerful tool when used correctly. It can also be very dangerous and make us lazy when relied on too heavily. I don’t think it should be used to replace human thought, but to supplement it. I’ve used it a lot in the past to get me started with writing a policy for work or a technical email, but I always rewrite it in my own voice. I like to use AI as a collaborative tool; not in place of my work or other people’s input and thoughts, but in addition to them. It’s also very good at some of the more tedious tasks like proofreading.

Back when I was experimenting with Eliza, I quickly realized that she couldn’t really know me. She simply reflected my own words back to me and made me interpret any meaning. What’s so eerie and striking about AI these days is that it can actually synthesize, find patterns, make connections and sometimes see things about you that you’ve been too close to notice. That’s powerful, and yes, a little unsettling. But I think that’s the point. The best tools don’t just make things easier; they make you think harder. Used that way, AI isn’t replacing human thought, it’s provoking it. And for someone who thinks about thinking for fun (and profit?), that feels like exactly the right kind of rabbit hole.

When I was a kid, I used to have the strange belief that we had a limited number of words we could speak in our lifetime; once we ran out, no more talking, no matter how much longer we lived. I know, this sounds like something a parent would say to an overly inquisitive or talkative toddler, but I’ve been told that they never said anything like that to me. I was a weird kid.

I’ve been thinking lately about the last time I was unemployed and searching for my next thing. I had recently had thyroid surgery and the doctor told me that there was a chance they could nick my vocal cords and cause permanent damage. After I went home to recover from the surgery, I wound up getting the hiccups. We called the doctor and he prescribed a surprising remedy; apparently, Thorazine (the anti-psychotic) cures the hiccups instantly. I stopped hiccuping and I was one with the universe for a while. I understood everything; it all made so much sense! I even took notes; they are complete, untranslatable gibberish but I’m sure there is deep meaning in them somewhere.

In the meantime, I did end up losing my voice; I sounded like I had been smoking for a thousand years. The best I could do was a hoarse whisper, which took a lot of effort and wore me out quickly. I had a hard time getting past the phone interview and even those didn’t last long. I felt the need to explain why I sounded like that. I was in my mid-twenties and I sounded like I was well past retirement age.

I finally got my voice back while plummeting 189 feet on an amusement park bungee jump ride. I yelled “Oh F%&K!” as I was falling and my voice suddenly popped back. To this day, if I’ve been talking a lot or have been in a lot of meetings, my voice wears out and the muscles in my throat feel like they’ve had a workout at a gym.

I was somewhat prescient about the finite nature of words as a kid; I just had the time-frame wrong. It’s not a lifetime limit - it’s a daily one. By the end of a long day of meetings, words have a higher cost for me. Maybe that’s not a bad thing; scarcity has a way of making you focus on what and who is really important.

Fifteen years ago today was the fist time I used wax to create my handlebar moustache. Happy birthday to my faithful companion, my face wouldn’t be the same without you!

Early last week I made a decision as soon as I woke up that I would spend the day embracing all the negative emotions around my current job situation, like giving in to the Dark Side. I spent the day pissed off and miserable. I made those around me miserable; that was mainly my wife - I was getting on her nerves by mid-day. My somewhat conscious logic was to deal with the emotions all at once, get it out of my system and begin the process of moving on. They had been a lingering undercurrent for the past several weeks and I was tired of feeling them. I walked around the house all day saying F this, F them, F that, I even cussed out my dogs if they looked at me funny, which they often do. I felt sad, angry, like a failure, like I had no future, I embraced it all; I was getting angry about being angry.

The next day, I woke up in the best mood. I was super motivated to start the online classes I had signed up for, I started thinking about other career paths that I could create for myself. I sent several emails to my network and chatted with a few people about potential opportunities. It worked! The funny thing is, I’ve felt so much better since that Dark Side day. I’m les stressed, happier than I’ve been in ages, and full of hope for the future. I had become so used to carrying that stress and those negative emotions without dealing with it that it had become almost toxic. The ironic thing is, I posted a new profile picture on my socials and I had a big old smile on my face. I took that photo on the angry day - I must have unconsciously known that I was on the right path. I wasn’t feeling it but after that self-induced miserable day, that picture is a much better representation of me. I AM happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m able to spend more time doing the things I enjoy and my concentration has improved greatly.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I no longer work where I’ve been for the last twenty years. That phrase is very present in my head right now and It feels especially true. I’m excited about the world of possibilities, a little nervous about all the unknowns, ready to have a little time off to disconnect. I’m looking forward to having some time for professional and creative renewal; time to explore interests and hobbies that I haven’t had the time or energy for. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to redefine myself, to figure out who I am without a work identity and who I even want to be. It’s exhilarating and frightening.

I’m also wondering how long it will take for me to let go of all the projects I had been managing or changes I’d been considering, both large and small. I had short and long term plans and they have all been living in my head. Not to mention the constant cybersecurity concerns and day to day issues and worries. It’s a little trickier for me too, because I still have a lot of connections to my former employer, family and friends that still work there. I suspect that It’s going to be hard to purge some of that from my brain, but I know I’ll get there. It was a lot of weight to carry and I’m ready for some time to rest. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

You are not the weight you carry

Clip the strings and float away

Live inside a sanctuary

Lose yourself to find your way

This is from the Tune Yards’ latest album, Better Dreaming from a song called Sanctuary. I’ve been listening to the album a lot, it’s so good! But this song hits me hard in the feels, especially right now. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now.

We saw them live in St. Louis several weeks ago at a small venue, Off Broadway - it was a fantastic show, so cool to see them and be so close to the stage! Music has always been important to me, but it feels especially healing right now.