Apple was founded 50 years ago today which has me thinking about my relationship with technology and specifically Apple. My first personal computer was a Macintosh IIfx with 80MB of storage. I remember wondering what I was going to do with ALL THAT SPACE! There’s no way I would ever use it all. I also remember surfing the Internet (via AOL, IRC, Usenet, etc.) with a book to read while things loaded. How far we have come! That IIfx sparked a curiosity and passion in me that I had only experienced a few times before. I had used a Mac Classic in high school and college and was fascinated by what they could do, what they meant for me and for society even then. I had also used old PCs before that, but the Mac was approachable and friendly; it was nowhere near as intimidating to use and explore. I have always loved to push the limits of what technology can do and explore every nook and cranny of each device and piece of software I encounter. Apple made it fun to create and connect with others; I met some pretty great people in IRC channels back in the day some of whom I’m still in touch with! Computers made it much easier to find your tribe, especially for the shy introvert that I was back then.

That’s part of the inspiration for the name of my website, Something Out of Nothing. I love the idea that you can sit down at a blank screen and just start creating, whether it’s a journal entry, a book, a website for your new business, a piece of music, or a whole album. Computers offer so much potential to impact humanity in so many positive ways and Apple capitalized on that in the best possible way. I still love to explore technology and its capabilities and I love to be able to share that experience with others in ways that they can understand. This is a huge part of why I do what I do; both the love of technological exploration and the pull to help others use it to improve their lives, workflows, creativity, and connections to the world. Apple’s introduction of the Macintosh and all the life changing, society changing products and services released since helped me to discover who I was: the explorer, the builder, the connector. Years later, I’m still all three. Happy birthday Apple and thank you for the inspiration.

Today I launched a website. Wait, that sentence feels smaller than it should, let me try again.

A couple of months ago, after twenty years of working in technology at KCAI, most recently eight years as Director of Campus Technology, I found myself without a full-time job for the first time in a long time. While I’ve been helping folks with IT stuff outside of KCAI for many years, it hasn’t been an official business with its own identity. After taking a couple of weeks to come to terms with what happened, I decided I needed a project to sink my teeth into; that’s how Two Bit Consulting came to exist.

What nobody tells you about losing a job you loved is how much of yourself goes with it. Not just the work, but the identity. The morning routine. The sense of being needed, of having a place where your particular set of skills and experience actually matters. I didn’t realize how much of who I was had been wrapped up in what I did until it was gone. Getting that back, or building a new version of it, has been the real work of the last several weeks.

What I missed most was the actual work. Digging into a problem. Figuring out why something wasn’t working and making it right. Helping someone understand their technology instead of just fighting it. That feeling when a project comes together and the person on the other end of it is genuinely better off than they were before. I missed that more than I expected to.

Two Bit Consulting is, in part, my answer to that. It’s real work, IT support, fractional IT leadership, web design that Maura and I have been doing in pieces for years. Making it official felt like taking back some ownership over who I am and what I do, independent of whoever is signing my paycheck.

I want to be clear about what this is and isn’t. It’s not a pivot. I’m still actively looking for the right full-time opportunity in technology leadership. The job search is ongoing. Some days it’s harder than others. But having something concrete to build and point to has made the in-between feel less like waiting and more like working.

If you know of a technology leadership role that might be a good fit, I’m genuinely grateful for the introduction. And if you or someone you know needs their technology to actually work, or a website that looks like it was made on purpose, that’s what Two Bit is here for.

twobit-consulting.com - I had fun building it. Poke around, there are a few easter eggs to be found. One hint: Konami code.

It’s been a couple of months since leaving my last job. I’d been keeping busy - learning things I hadn’t had time for, helping a few people out with tech issues - and I knew my routines had changed. What I hadn’t consciously registered was what was actually missing.

Yesterday I looked up from what I was working on and realized several hours had passed without me noticing.

That’s when it hit me.

I miss problem solving. I miss helping people figure out their technology. I miss losing time to something that makes a difference. I miss having an issue gnaw at my brain for days and then - seemingly out of nowhere - the solution arriving almost fully formed, like it had been working on itself the whole time.

I needed the break; I don’t regret it. But that moment yesterday reminded me who I am and what I’m built for - and while I’m still looking for the right full-time role, I’m not waiting around to scratch that itch.

More soon.

Since I have more free time than I’ve had in many years to explore my interests in more depth I’ve been looking at and experimenting with Artificial Intelligence. It’s here now and it’s not going anywhere. I’ve always enjoyed being on the forefront of technology, but this feels different. I remember playing with Eliza, the natural language processing computer program developed in the ‘60’s to explore what communication between humans and machines could look like. It was very basic and mostly just repeated your comments back as a question, psychotherapy style. It was pretty uncanny at first but it was very limited and we got bored with it pretty quickly but it sparked an interest, as I know it did for many people, on what the future of human/computer interaction would look like.

In my recent explorations with AI (I’ve used several different platforms for different tasks) I’ve had some somewhat uncanny conversations with the chatbots. I’ve asked them for feedback on my resume with some good results. I gave one full access to all of my notes (my digital brain - a journal, articles that inspire me, job search notes, recipes, etc.) and asked it to give me a summary of what kind of person it thinks I am and what values are reflected in my notes. It’s a little surreal to have a conversation with an AI bot about yourself but I feel like it has helped give me some insight into some things that I hadn’t thought about in that way before. For example, I feel like I have a good handle on my core values, but the recent conversation brought up some other things that I know were important to me, I just hadn’t elevated them to the level of a core value.

I think about this kind of stuff a lot; I’ve been reading about metacognition lately (defined by Wikipedia as “an awareness of one’s thought processes and an understanding of the patterns behind them.” That sounds right to me. I think a lot and I think about thinking a lot. Yes, it’s a rabbit hole. Hey, there was a reason I dove headfirst into Philosophy in college and ended up majoring in it. I like knowing what makes people tick but I really like knowing what makes me tick. I’ve always believed the moment we stop pushing ourselves to learn about the world and about ourselves, we may as well just quit. I’m always trying to find new ways to evolve and explore how I experience the world. The recent conversation I had with the chatbot about my notes was enlightening, frightening, and perhaps a little self absorbed but it gave me some interesting things to think about and explore further.

I feel like I should say something about my stance on AI. I think it can be a powerful tool when used correctly. It can also be very dangerous and make us lazy when relied on too heavily. I don’t think it should be used to replace human thought, but to supplement it. I’ve used it a lot in the past to get me started with writing a policy for work or a technical email, but I always rewrite it in my own voice. I like to use AI as a collaborative tool; not in place of my work or other people’s input and thoughts, but in addition to them. It’s also very good at some of the more tedious tasks like proofreading.

Back when I was experimenting with Eliza, I quickly realized that she couldn’t really know me. She simply reflected my own words back to me and made me interpret any meaning. What’s so eerie and striking about AI these days is that it can actually synthesize, find patterns, make connections and sometimes see things about you that you’ve been too close to notice. That’s powerful, and yes, a little unsettling. But I think that’s the point. The best tools don’t just make things easier; they make you think harder. Used that way, AI isn’t replacing human thought, it’s provoking it. And for someone who thinks about thinking for fun (and profit?), that feels like exactly the right kind of rabbit hole.

When I was a kid, I used to have the strange belief that we had a limited number of words we could speak in our lifetime; once we ran out, no more talking, no matter how much longer we lived. I know, this sounds like something a parent would say to an overly inquisitive or talkative toddler, but I’ve been told that they never said anything like that to me. I was a weird kid.

I’ve been thinking lately about the last time I was unemployed and searching for my next thing. I had recently had thyroid surgery and the doctor told me that there was a chance they could nick my vocal cords and cause permanent damage. After I went home to recover from the surgery, I wound up getting the hiccups. We called the doctor and he prescribed a surprising remedy; apparently, Thorazine (the anti-psychotic) cures the hiccups instantly. I stopped hiccuping and I was one with the universe for a while. I understood everything; it all made so much sense! I even took notes; they are complete, untranslatable gibberish but I’m sure there is deep meaning in them somewhere.

In the meantime, I did end up losing my voice; I sounded like I had been smoking for a thousand years. The best I could do was a hoarse whisper, which took a lot of effort and wore me out quickly. I had a hard time getting past the phone interview and even those didn’t last long. I felt the need to explain why I sounded like that. I was in my mid-twenties and I sounded like I was well past retirement age.

I finally got my voice back while plummeting 189 feet on an amusement park bungee jump ride. I yelled “Oh F%&K!” as I was falling and my voice suddenly popped back. To this day, if I’ve been talking a lot or have been in a lot of meetings, my voice wears out and the muscles in my throat feel like they’ve had a workout at a gym.

I was somewhat prescient about the finite nature of words as a kid; I just had the time-frame wrong. It’s not a lifetime limit - it’s a daily one. By the end of a long day of meetings, words have a higher cost for me. Maybe that’s not a bad thing; scarcity has a way of making you focus on what and who is really important.

Fifteen years ago today was the fist time I used wax to create my handlebar moustache. Happy birthday to my faithful companion, my face wouldn’t be the same without you!

Early last week I made a decision as soon as I woke up that I would spend the day embracing all the negative emotions around my current job situation, like giving in to the Dark Side. I spent the day pissed off and miserable. I made those around me miserable; that was mainly my wife - I was getting on her nerves by mid-day. My somewhat conscious logic was to deal with the emotions all at once, get it out of my system and begin the process of moving on. They had been a lingering undercurrent for the past several weeks and I was tired of feeling them. I walked around the house all day saying F this, F them, F that, I even cussed out my dogs if they looked at me funny, which they often do. I felt sad, angry, like a failure, like I had no future, I embraced it all; I was getting angry about being angry.

The next day, I woke up in the best mood. I was super motivated to start the online classes I had signed up for, I started thinking about other career paths that I could create for myself. I sent several emails to my network and chatted with a few people about potential opportunities. It worked! The funny thing is, I’ve felt so much better since that Dark Side day. I’m les stressed, happier than I’ve been in ages, and full of hope for the future. I had become so used to carrying that stress and those negative emotions without dealing with it that it had become almost toxic. The ironic thing is, I posted a new profile picture on my socials and I had a big old smile on my face. I took that photo on the angry day - I must have unconsciously known that I was on the right path. I wasn’t feeling it but after that self-induced miserable day, that picture is a much better representation of me. I AM happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m able to spend more time doing the things I enjoy and my concentration has improved greatly.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I no longer work where I’ve been for the last twenty years. That phrase is very present in my head right now and It feels especially true. I’m excited about the world of possibilities, a little nervous about all the unknowns, ready to have a little time off to disconnect. I’m looking forward to having some time for professional and creative renewal; time to explore interests and hobbies that I haven’t had the time or energy for. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to redefine myself, to figure out who I am without a work identity and who I even want to be. It’s exhilarating and frightening.

I’m also wondering how long it will take for me to let go of all the projects I had been managing or changes I’d been considering, both large and small. I had short and long term plans and they have all been living in my head. Not to mention the constant cybersecurity concerns and day to day issues and worries. It’s a little trickier for me too, because I still have a lot of connections to my former employer, family and friends that still work there. I suspect that It’s going to be hard to purge some of that from my brain, but I know I’ll get there. It was a lot of weight to carry and I’m ready for some time to rest. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

You are not the weight you carry
Clip the strings and float away
Live inside a sanctuary
Lose yourself to find your way

This is from the Tune Yards’ latest album, Better Dreaming from a song called Sanctuary. I’ve been listening to the album a lot, it’s so good! But this song hits me hard in the feels, especially right now. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now.

We saw them live in St. Louis several weeks ago at a small venue, Off Broadway - it was a fantastic show, so cool to see them and be so close to the stage! Music has always been important to me, but it feels especially healing right now.

One of my favorite local bands, Freight Train Rabbit Killer, performed last night at the grand opening of Gigantic Records. They were also celebrating the release of their new album The Ten Year.

FTRK are really hard to describe, but they rock - Doom Blues, American Roots Opera, whatever you want to call it, it’s genuinely unique. Kris Bruders (Freight Train) and Mark Smeltzer (Rabbit Killer) play the crap out of their guitars and Mark’s custom built instruments. They have a dark aesthetic to go along with the music and an ever evolving mythology. They have worked many times over the years with KCAI’s Illustration students to create truly creative, interactive performances. It’s a sight to behold and a sound to melt your brain!

The grand opening last night was fun, but it was also kind of sad. My friends Ann and Marion decided at the end of last year to close their shop (Records with Merrit) and retire. They were hoping to sell the record store to someone they knew (I was tempted!) and they finally handed over the reigns to another friend of theirs who will do a great job, I’m sure. It’s so nice to have a record store half a block from my house! Though I have to say, my wallet has been happier while the shop has been closed the last few months…

If you get a chance, check out Gigantic Records and absolutely catch a Freight Train Rabbit Killer show if you have the chance. They often play at The Ship, in fact, they are going to do another Halloween show with the Illustration students this year.

Check out the video below:

Talking Heads recently released a video for “Psycho Killer” off of their debut album ‘77 to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first live show at CBGB’s - opening for the Ramones (another favorite!)

‘77 was one of the first albums (on cassette) that I purchased with my own money, at the mall. The other was Joan Jett and the Blackhearts’ “I love Rock ’n Roll”.

I remember my mom expressing some concern about an album with a song called “Psycho Killer.” I told her that they sing some of the song in French, it can’t be too bad! I have been a fan of Talking Heads and David Byrne for as long as I can remember being aware of music. I’m proud to be able to claim them as one of my first albums! His quirky lyrics and moves were, and are, a huge inspiration. I’ve seen David Byrne several times but sadly never saw Talking Heads. I keep hoping for some kind of reunion announcement with their anniversary, but it would probably be a very limited tour, possibly only one show and VERY expensive. It would be AMAZING to see them!

For our 19th Anniversary, Maura and I drove to Humboldt, Kansas at the Base Camp camping/glamping area. Humboldt is a cute town, with more to do than I expected, but we are really here to relax and celebrate each other. This is a perfect spot to disconnect from daily life and reconnect with nature. The cabin is a charming, modern tiny house with everything we need. Unfortunately, it decided to rain the whole weekend, though honestly, we don’t mind - we can can hibernate with our books, a few games, and each other. The rain is really nice on the fishing pond in front of the cabin and on the two skylights. We will definitely be back, hopefully it won’t be raining next time and we can use the fire pit next to the cabin. They also have canoes and bikes that you can borrow for the pond and trails around the campground.

Happy Anniversary, Maura Cluthe! I’m so glad we met twenty-one years ago and got married two years later. Life has been so much more fun since we met!

Those of you know know me at all know that I love Lego. I have an ever growing collection of sets that I would have adored as a kid. Now that I’m a grown up kid, I can actually afford them!

I was messing around with AI yesterday and got it to make a minifig version of me! It’s pretty close, without even using a source image.

I read this quote the other day and added to my ever-growing list of favorite quotes:

If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward.

• Oscar Wilde

I can relate to this so much. I remember when I was growing up, the thought of adulthood, independence, responsibility, all of it was so overwhelming. It is overwhelming sometimes, even at my age now but we learn to cope with it somehow. I chose Philosophy as a major in college because I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I even was. I still can’t say that I’ve figured it all out, even though i’ve been in my current job for almost twenty years. This qute flips the expectation of knowing on it’s head. It makes it okay and even desireable to not know. I’ve always thought of myself as constantly “becoming” me. I am constantly evolving; learning new things, skills, talents and dropping old ineffective ways of doing things. This is a good thing. I have always thought that life may as well be over once we stop growing and learning.

📍

Two days after the Iron and Wine show, we went back to the Uptown to see My Morning Jacket. They always put on a good, energetic show. We had a good time, even though it was a Monday night show. I couldn’t take the next day off, so I was dragging; for a couple of days. I’ve been a fan for years and we’ve seen them four or five times now.

Someone in the front got the set list and posted it:

The opener was pretty good too, Grace Cummings an Australian singer/songwriter with a powerful voice. I’ll have to check out more of her music for sure.

We saw Iron & Wine last night at the Uptown Theater. It was such a great show! Sam Beam and his band always entertain; I love his folky grooves and chill sounds. Plus, for the backdrop, Manual Cinema were creating imagery with paper puppets, other object and even themselves, live as the music played. It was very simple but very effective and added a very cool element to the show

The opener, Jobi Riccio, was pretty great too! She has one album out so far and it’s well worth a listen:

She’s from Morrison, Colorado, near one of the greatest venues in the US, Red Rocks, she grew up with music and you can hear it in her voice and guitar. I always love finding new musicians when they open for bands I like. Plus I got a chance to chat with her at the merch booth, where she signed her LP for me!

I finally watched the Mysterious Stranger movie that I rediscovered the other day. I don’t know why I was hesitant to see it again; finding it felt like the last piece of a puzzle and I guess I didn’t want to place it and be done. I remember so much of the movie so clearly. Some parts of it were even ideas I thought I had come up with myself, I had forgotten that they were part of the story. I remember watching The Miracle Worker on TV and empathizing so strongly with Helen Keller that I had a bit of an existential crisis. I was eight years old and I had my first glimpse of mortality and human limitations, but also rising above those limitations. The Mysterious Stranger had an existential message as well, but it was more subtle, it didn’t cause the same type of crisis in me anyway; maybe because I’d already confronted that reality a few years earlier.

Mark Twain’s tale has an interesting story itself. He had written three different versions, but never published them. After he died, the person that held Twain’s unpublished manuscripts, Albert Bigelow Paine, combined bits and pieces from all three versions into a book and published it as the story that Twain had intended. In 1963, scholars discovered what Paine had done and that he had heavily edited and added his own writing into the mix. In fact, the movie talks a little bit about this in the opening. The movie is based on the most complete version that Twain has written.

In it, Number 44, New Series 864,962, (also known as Satan, nephew of the fallen angel Satan in some version of the story) comes to an Austrian medieval print shop in the form of a ball of light before manifesting into a human form. He proceeds to befriend an apprentice named August and shares with him the true nature of reality all while causing hijinks at the castle. There’s a manipulative alchemist, a greedy wife, the good-hearted master, an out of shape abbot, and the print shop crew, one of which is played by a young Christoph Waltz!

Twain, through Number 44, talks about the folly of religion, the nature of good and evil and reality itself. He talks about the idea that there are two selves, a dream self and a working self. We have the ability to choose which one to focus on, or to be.

I can see why the movie had such a profound impact on me and why I’ve been fascinated by existentialism for most of my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m sure it’s part of why I choose philosophy as my major in college. I have always spent a lot of time thinking. It can sometimes get me into trouble, but most of the time it serves me well.

If you’re interested, there has been quite a bit written about the stories and what Mark Twain was trying to communicate through them. Here’s an article I plan to spend more time with.

We have a few concerts lined up over the next few months. There is nothing live seeing a band or musician you like perform live. We’re going to see Iron and Wine in a couple of weeks at the Uptown Theater.

I’m also going to the Record Bar in May to see another favorite Messer Chups.

Small update: I forgot to mention the Nick Cave show I’m going to in May. I’ve seen him once before, he’s a fantastic musician with heartfelt lyrics. His latest Album, Wild God, is excellent.

There are many movies that had a significant impact on me when I was a kid. My dad would often let my brother and I watch movies that we were in no way appropriate for our age - The Exorcist) gave me so many nightmares. Two movies however, have a special, weird place in my mind. I’ve searched for years to find the names of the movies, I’ve had distinct memories from both, but I couldn’t find anything about them. Though the internet and social media can be pretty toxic these days, they can also drop little bits of joy as well. Several years ago, I decided to make a concerted effort to figure out what these movies were. After a lot of digging, I finally found one, a post-apocalyptic survival movie Damnation Alley. I’m fairly certainly a scene in this movie is the source of my aversion to cockroaches. I distinctly remember someone getting eated alive in an old car by giant cockroaches. It was released in 1977, so I would have been six at the time. I remember my dad picked up my brother and I for one of our first post-divorce outings with him. He took us to see Damnation Alley in the theater. Shortly after I rediscovered it, my wife and I streamed it; it was pretty bad but so entertaining and gratifying to fill that memory gap.

The other movie has eluded me for years, until today. I was doomscrolling Instagram Reels and came across a clip from an old movie with a young Tom Hanks about D&D, Mazes and Monters when I recognized one of the other actors, Chris Makepeace. I looked up Mazes and Monsters on IMDB and found Chris’ profile, then searched for his other early movies and found the movie that I’ve been searching for as long as I can remember! It’s a made for TV movie, released in 1982, when I was eleven. It had a huge impact on me; I remember feeling excited by the concept of romantic love and true friendship. I’m sure it impacted my psyche; part of why I’m such a hopeless romantic. Life is supposed to mean something, even if it’s self-defined. Watching bits of it now takes me back - I remember the characters like it was yesterday! It was based, very loosely on a Mark Twain Novella of the same name, The Mysterious Stranger.

It’s so strange and cool that both movies are available in full out there on the internet. I’ve been searching for the Mysterious Stranger for so long, I’m a little blown away that I came across it so randomly today! It’s like the last puzzle piece fitting into place. Now I need to find a new mystery to obsess about.

I just finished reading “The Butcher’s Masquerade” by Matt Dinniman 📚

A good friend of mine recommended the Dungeon Crawler Carl series and I was hooked from the first chapter of the first book. I just finished book five while walking my dogs this morning and I was cracking up and tearing up at the same time! The audiobooks are so entertaining, the voice acting and sound effects are great! Jeff Hays from Soundbooth Theater provides the majority of the narration. If you enjoyed Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you’ll love the Dungeon Crawler Carl series.

Now on to Book six “The Eye of the Bedlam Bride”.

Another year older. This morning when I got up, I decided that would hike up Sun Mountain at sunrise; it was simply gorgeous. It’s definitely a challenging hike. It’s only about a mile and a half, but it can get pretty steep. I had to pause several times to catch my breath; I’m still acclimating to the higher altitude here. It’s also about a mile from where we’re staying so I decided to walk to the trail head. The walk there is fine, but I was pretty worn out on the way back. It was totally worth the effort! the views of Santa Fe and the surrounding mountains are amazing. I hiked to the peak once before, last time we stayed here and it was equally beautiful.

I’m enjoying some fresh pipe tobacco from a local shop I found and reading Fevre Dream on the patio or our B and B. Trying to not think about work. Most of the museums we wanted to are closed today, so we decided to take it easy. Maura’s inside painting, listening to music. Maybe it’s a hint of what retirement might look like!

Three months ago today, we adopted a second dog from KC Pet Project. Our other dog, Rosie is a little neurotic; she doesn’t like to be home alone. She also loves to play with other dogs. So we thought getting her a friend would suit us all. Rosie and Gus hit it off pretty quickly. They love to play and cuddle and make the most adorable pair. We frequently receive compliments when we walk them.

The folks at KC Pet Project told us about the three days, three weeks, three months rule with adopted dogs, which has proven pretty accurate. In the last week or so, Gus has finally realized this is a permanent place for him. He seems very happy in his new home, and we are thrilled to have him be a part of our family. Welcome home, Gus! 

We’ve been trying to see one of our favorite bands, Low, who were touring for their latest album, "Hey What,” until very recently. Maura bought me tickets to see them in Davenport, Iowa, for my birthday. We drove up, excited to finally hear some tracks off their latest album live, and the show was canceled due to COVID-19. We had a fun time in Davenport anyway, but it was a huge bummer. The show was rescheduled, and we planned to return to Davenport; we even booked the hotel, and we both came down with COVID. We found out they were finally going to come to Kansas City, opening for Death Cab for Cutie (weird match-up, in my opinion, but whatever). We bought tickets, but that show was postponed, and Low was no longer going to open. It seemed like we just weren’t meant to see them again! We did see them once several years ago at the old Record Bar when it was in Westport (we could walk home from there!) But the latest album was simply stunning; I still get chills and tear up when I listen to it. And I can’t help but turn it up a little too loud.

Alan Sparhawk’s and Mimi Parker’s harmonies over the cacophonous instrumentation and drums were, well, kind of beyond words. I really can’t do the albums justice here. It may not be for everyone, but I LOVED where they were going. Don’t get me wrong, they were (were! 😔) prolific; they didn’t create an album I didn’t like. You definitely have to be in the right mood for some of their early stuff, it can be very slow-paced, but it’s just as beautiful. The latest albums were getting a little more gritty and experimental, which contrasted wonderfully with their voices. Go ahead, listen and listen loud. I bet you will be moved. 

Sadly, we will never have the chance to see them perform live again; Mimi Parker died today after having fought ovarian cancer for the last couple of years. Alan posted the news and was instantly heartbroken. Partly because we’ve been trying so hard to see them over the last year or so, but primarily for her and Alan. I can’t even imagine what they went through and what he’s going through now. They worked so well together. Their music is beautiful, incomparable; there will be nothing like it in the world again. I love listening to their records via streaming, but live music was the true experience. That’s true for most musicians, but it was especially true for them. Farewell, Mimi Parker, and deepest condolences to you, Alan Sparhawk. Know that your fans are there for you.

So we drove to Davenport yesterday to see Low. It took about six hours with stops, not bad, but enough to mess with our backs. I like roadtrips with Maura, we talked and listened to some new tunes on the way up - the new Jack White is pretty good! Once we got to town, we settled into our hotel, then walked around to check out the downtown area. The venue - the Racoon Motel, was right down the street from where we were staying. Next door to it, we found a record shop, Ragged Records, where we found a nice little haul.

We grabbed some dinner at the Front Street Brewery, and I checked the Racoon Motel’s Facebook page while we were waiting on our food. The show had been canceled due to a couple of positive COVID tests. We were seriouly bummed. I’ve been imagining hearing Low’s latest music live for months and we were just hours away from doing so. The show was rescheduled for another Friday in July, which we will make work. We figured we were here so we might as well make a night of it, so we asked our waitress about other spots to check out nearby. She did not dissapoint; there are some pretty great bars in downtown Davenport. First, we figured we should check out the venue since we had come all this way, so we grabbed a beer there, commiserated with the staff, and checked out the stage - it’s a small area; it’s going to be very loud (in July)! After that, we went to a bar with a perfect name: Devon’s Complaint Dept.

They mixed some great drinks, and the bar had a cool retro vibe. We’ve been trying to get out more lately, but I can’t remember the last time we went bar hopping! It’s kind of a shame that we had to drive all the way to Davenport, but the drinks were tasty and way cheaper!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, we discovered that it was hosting a youth dance competition. There were many families with young girls in way too much makeup and glittery outfits. I’m sure they were having the time of their lives, but we didn’t particularly enjoy the noise levels. The hotel has a central atrium around the rooms; they were very loud and echoey. They were running around until pretty late, which was so much fun for us after a night on the town! We ended up playing Low’s latest album in our hotel room mostly to drown out the noise.

The next morning, I woke up early, as I always do, and walked along the Mississippi. It was a nice walk, though it made me wish that KC had more down by our river front. I never knew that Pelicans like to visit the river this time of year, but I saw several of them!

While it was a huge bummer to have the show rescheduled, it was good to get out of town for a bit. I guess we’ll see you again in July, Davenport, Iowa!

Anyone that knows me well, knows of my love for both music and humor. No one combines these better than “Weird" Al Yankovic. In my mind, it’s not my birthday until I hear his “Birthday Song”. Sadly, the lyrics ring truer every year. If you haven’t heard it, or it’s been a while, give it a listen:

The contrast between what should be a happy, carefree day and the realities of the world and the absurdity makes me strangely joyful. 

American Greetings (sorry Hallmark friends) has an app out called SmashUp that allows you to send custom messages from celebrities to celebrate your friends and family. “Weird” Al just announced that he had several SmashUps available and I just had to check it out. The resulting video makes me incomprehensibly happy:

I’m not going to get too sappy and deep about being middle-aged. I really just wanted to share something that made me happy today. Maura and I are going to get out and about today to celebrate our birthdays. Our wonderful but somewhat anxious dog is in daycare and she’ll be there overnight so that we don’t have to worry about her and what she might be doing to the window blinds. I hope all is well with everyone reading this. It’s nice that Spring is finally at least trying to make an appearance and that, at least for now, the infection rates are staying low - which brings right back to the song at beginning of my post. We’re living in some strange times, but there are still ways to find happiness. 

Speaking of ways to find happiness, my wonderful wife surprised me today with tickets to see one of our favorite bands, Low in Davenport, Iowa. Their latest album, “Hey What” is an emotional powerhouse, seriously, chills and sometimes tears, every time I listen. I’ve been trying to imagine hearing them play it live but now I won’t have to! I can’t wait!! 

It’s loud, sometimes grating but the contrast between their beautiful voices and the loud distortion-filled music is amazing. Again, if you haven’t heard it, sit with it a while: 

Thanks in advance for all the birthday wishes on social media, texts, and calls! Hopefully, as we slowly rejoin society and get out more, we’ll see you all soon! 

I am in line to get my second dose of the Moderna vaccine. The process has been pretty smooth both times. I was done in less than an hour last time and the line is moving pretty well this time.

It feels good to get this done. Hopefully we can put all of this behind us soon and get back to something resembling what we were used to.

So today is the last day that I’ll spend in my Forties. Tomorrow I’ll officially be old. I remember think I g that Thirty was old when I was a kid, but that target kept on moving the older I got. Fifty seems like the age that it stops moving.

I don’t feel old most of the time, though I did hurt my back pretty bad last week by simply sitting down. I’m not having a mid-life crisis. I feel pretty good about what I’ve accomplished so far, even though I got a bit of a late start with some poor choices early on in my adult life. I still have some big goals to achieve as well.

I’ve been thinking lately about how to give something back. I’ve been getting more involved with opportunities outside of work, helping others with things that I’ve learned in higher ed IT. It’s unique, especially at an art school. It feels pretty good to be able to give back this way and I hope to do more.

Anyway, here’s to many more years of learning, growing, and becoming more myself.

Hello and welcome to my first post in quite some time! It’s been a crazy year to say the least. I can’t believe it’s already been a year that we’ve lived with this pandemic. I honestly feel very lucky. I’ve had some family and friends get COVID-19, but no one I know has died of it, yet. We seem to be nearing the light at the end of the tunnel to some extent. I know more and more people who have received at least one dose of a vaccine. I myself got my first shot a little over a week ago and I get my second at the beginning of April, on April Fool’s in fact. I got mine a little early because at the beginning of all of this, it was determined that I have kidney failure. My nephrologist at KU Med is great and has me on a drug that seems to be slowing down the decline. He doesn’t think I’ll need a transplant for five to ten years. But I will eventually need a new kidney. As many of you know, I’ve dealt with my share of medical issues, so this didn’t surprise me too much. It sucked learning about it at the beginning of a pandemic that put me at a higher risk if I did catch it, but other than that, it’s under control and pretty symptomless.

Again, feel pretty lucky. I’ve had several friends who had much more serious medical issues over the last year or so. I won’t name names, but they are all fighting and working hard to overcome. I admire them for sure. I don’t envy them. I realize that all of this is really just the beginning, it comes with getting older. Maura and I will both turn fifty (50!) at the end March. I remember when I thought thirty was old! I never really thought much past that when I was young. I don’t feel fifty, though I’m not sure I know what fifty’s supposed to feel like. I did hurt my back doing nothing in particular the other day, so maybe that’s what it feels like? Besides the kidney thing and maybe a few extra pounds, I’m pretty healthy. What do you call a dad bod if you’re not a dad? 

As I said, it’s been a crazy year. I’m grateful to have a job that allowed me to be flexible, I’m grateful that KCAI is doing okay. Enrollment was down a bit as many students decided to take a gap year due to COVID-19, but it sounds like many of them will be returning next Fall. I’ve never felt busier there than I have for the last year or so with so much remote work happening and other projects not taking a break. It’s been a good year. I took a lot on, but I managed to finish most of it - one of the biggest projects will be completed tomorrow, if all goes well! 

I look forward to getting my second shot, Maura getting her and finally being able to get back to something like what we had taken for granted for our entire lives. I’m sure many changes will be more lasting, and maybe that’s a good thing. I will certainly think about many things differently. I think it will take me a while to be comfortable around large crowds, especially indoors. Not that I was ever comfortable, but I was able to tolerate it. I do miss live music. We’ve seen a few live streaming shows - Gorillaz was awesome! -  but it’s not the same. I look forward to traveling, but again, I’m going to be a little more aware of the spaces I’m in and who’s around me. 

I know that we’re not out of the woods yet, but I do have hope that, as Biden said, family and friends will be able to gather by the Fourth of July to celebrate. 

Last night Maura and I attended a reading, signing, and conversation hosted by the wonderfulNational Museum of Toys and Miniatures. Seriously, if you are anywhere near KC and haven’t been, you MUST go. Authors Bill Shapiro (the former editor-in-chief and founding editor of Getty Images FOTO) and Naomi Wax (whose work has appeared in the New York Times, LA Times, and the Iowa Review) were at the museum to present their latest book called “WHAT WE KEEP, 150 People Share the One Object That Brings Them Joy, Magic, and Meaning”. Bill and Naomi interviewed people from all over the country, from all walks of life, asking them about an object that has deep meaning and then publishes images of the objects along with the stories, in the person’s own word. At the event, they did a reading of some of their favorite objects and stories, then did a Q&A answering some great questions from the attendees about their process, how they chose who to talk to, etc. They started by talking to people they knew, then took an exponential approach, talking to people that they people they knew knew. They then decided to travel across the country, seeking out people that they decided might be interesting to talk to. During their travels, they came to Kansas City, heard about the Toy and Miniature Museum and decided they had to stop in to check it out - only for half an hour or so. Unsurprisingly they ended up spending four hours there, missing an interview in Iowa.

After the reading and Q&A session, they did a book signing - before the reading, they were making their way around the room to introduce themselves to everyone. It was so great to meet them and have a brief conversation with them before the talk and at the signing - this project is obviously very meaningful to them. So meaningful in fact, that the last segment of the evening was a group conversation where the attendees broke into two groups to discuss their most treasured objects. During the break, Maura and I were naturally thinking about and discussing what objects we would have selected. Bill led the conversation at our table. He gave us a few minutes to draw the object on one side of a card, then flip it over and answer several questions about the object and why we chose it. We then went around the table discussing our objects. It was very touching, hearing these intimate stories from strangers and sharing our own.

Which brings me to the real point of this post. At the top of the post, you can see the drawing I did, from memory, of the object that I selected. Here is the actual car: I don’t think I did too bad, for a non-illustrator. As I was listening to the stories in Bill and Naomi’s book, I was thinking what meaning this toy car has to me.

Many of you know that I collect toy VW Beetles. Well, this is the original. I have many more Beetles now but this was the object that started me down the path to becoming a collector. I had never thought about what deeper meaning might be behind that Bug, but as I considered it last night I realized several things that I have never fully acknowledged. It was given to me by my father, early in my high school years. I have never had a strong relationship with him. He left when I was pretty young and for the first several years after that we didn’t see much of him. I ended up living with he and his second wife when I was in high school. My father came home one day after work and surprised me with the Bug out of the blue. I’m sure I had mentioned my love for the VW Beetle and that I wanted to drive one someday (I still haven’t bought one and yes, it has to be a vintage one, not the new abomination). This was one of the only truly thoughtful gestures I ever experience from my father. It was a small thing, but it meant that he had heard me and more importantly, done something about it. The majority of what I learned from my father was what I didn’t want to be as a man or as a human being. Thinking about the history of this car last night, I realized that I had learned something positive from him after all. I learned that listening is powerful, and no matter how small the gesture, acting on what you hear even more so. It’s difficult for me to acknowledge that I might have learned something positive from my father, he was pretty worthless as an example most of the time.

It was interesting to talk about it so openly last night with a table full of strangers. As we were leaving, an older gentleman who we shared the table with approached me, placed his hand on my shoulder, and told me how much he appreciated what I shared. This, I believe, is what Bill and Naomi’s project was ultimately about. Everyone has stories, they simply used a person’s cherished object as a focal point to bring out some of these stories. It must have felt like a tremendous privilege to be able to talk to all of those people as they shared theirs. I can’t wait to read the book and experience more of them!

2016 was a both wonderfully great year and a fantastically crappy year. I celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary and also ten years at the Kansas City Art Institute. I learned a lot, both professionally and personally. Legends died. A dangerous idiot was elected president of the United States.

Regardless, music is enduring. Here is a list of my favorites from last year (screw the top ten thing, I have a lot of favorites!) Featured you will find two soundtracks that I just can’t stop listening to, two albums by one band, the final albums by two of my favorite artist who happened to end their time on Earth this past year, songs about love, songs about life, songs about songs, songs about humanity, and songs just for fun. In no particular order:

• Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool
• Andrew Bird - Are You Serious
• Leonard Cohen - You Want it Darker
• David Bowie - Black Star
• Mac Quayle - Mr. Robot OST
• Yello - Toy
• Bon Iver - 22, A Million
• Deerhoof - The Magic
• Hope Sandoval and the Warm Intentions - Until the Hunter
• Iggy Pop - Post Pop Depression
• Jim James - Eternally Even
• M83 - Junk
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Skeleton Tree
• Paul Simon - Stranger to Stranger
• Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool
• Ramin Djawadi - Westworld OST
• Sam Beam and Jesca Hoop - Love Letter for Fire
• Thee Oh Sees - A Weird Exits
• Thee Oh Sees - An Odd Entrances

One year ago today I went under the knife needle to have superglue injected into my brain to cut off the growth of a cluster of veins that had gotten out of control and ultimately could have killed me had it gone untreated.

Wow, that is a crazy sentence to re-read. It still feels pretty surreal. I’ve described the experience immediately following as how you might feel after a crazy frat party: I had a massive hangover (the migraines) and I had various personal body parts shaved (where they inserted the needles). At least no one drew a moustache on my face in sharpie, but that might have proven difficult considering.

Life has been pretty normal since all of that. I still get some migraines especially with pressure changes. They are under control for the most part, however. None of this would have been possible without the wonderful doctors and staff at KU Medical Center. What they are doing there truly seems like science fiction. The fact that I had brain surgery and it seemed no worse than a crazy frat party is pretty mind-blowing. Obviously, the migraines are worse than a simple hangover, but still.

My friend, the talented tattoo artist Chris Stubbs has designed this amazing sleeve for me partially in honor of my experience with the surgery:

It’s going on my left arm and connecting up to the other tattoo on my shoulder, the Cephaskelamech. Work began on it a few weeks ago and I’ve got another appointment set up in mid April! I can’t wait to see this thing finished!

Listed in no particular order, maybe, probably.

• St Vincent - St. Vincent
• tUnE-yArDs - Nikki Nack
• Sallie Ford - Slap Back
• Deerhoof - La Isla Bonita
• The New Basement Tapes - Lost on the River
• Damon Albarn - Everyday Robots
• Beck - Morning Phase
• Thom Yorke - Tomorrow's Modern Boxes
• First Aid Kit - Stay Gold
• The Pixies - Indie Cindy
• Warpaint - Warpaint
• Broken Bells - After The Disco
• Tobacco - Utilma II Massage

One edit: I guess the Nick Cave was out last year, so I’ll sub the New Basement Tapes, which should have made the list anyway.

It’s two days short of six months since I had brain surgery. It was a very busy Summer both at work and at home. We’ve had a lot of fun too, jumping off bridges, going to concerts, glamping with friends in the John Goodman Suite. More on that stuff in the future…

Today I had a follow up angiogram of my brain to see if anything had started to come back after the surgery. The procedure went well. My neurosurgeon came in to the recovery area (I have to lay flat on my back for two hours to make sure I don’t rip anything open) to chat with us and told us that I am cured! There is no evidence of any part of the fistula recurring. He said that the procedure is so new that they don’t really know what to tell patients about long term follow up. Obviously if I start experiencing similar symptoms in the future, I’ll know what to do, but sometimes there simply aren’t any symptoms. He said that he would be comfortable not doing any follow up, but if I wanted to we could do another scan in a year. I’m leaning towards doing another scan, just for peace of mind and it might help them to know what to expect in other cases, but I haven’t decided for sure yet.

I told the neurosurgeon that I couldn’t express how grateful I am and how lucky I feel. It’s simply amazing to me that this kind of procedure is something that exists, and that I live within a couple miles of one of the few doctors that is performing it right now. The doctors, nurses, and staff are some of the best people in the world. They went out of their way to make me feel as comfortable and confident as possible. And Dr. Koji Ebersole is a rock star!

Unfortunately, I am still dealing with the headaches. I was on a drug that was helping, but the side effects are pretty drastic and I am prone to all of them. I’ve spent the last two weeks weaning myself off that drug and I’m hoping to start a new one soon. In the meantime, they have returned in full force. The main side effect of the new drug is that it can make food and drink taste funny, therefore people tend to lose 5-10 pounds - I think I’m okay with that, at least for a while. I’m sure the new drug will work and I’ll be feeling good again in short order, but this last two weeks of getting off the old one has not been fun. I hate to end this post on a bad note, so I’ll say it again:

I’M CURED!

The night before I went back to work after six weeks of recovery, Lucy woke us up pacing and panting. No matter how much we pled with her she would not settle down. I finally got up and took her out at 2:00 AM. We came back in and she settled down a little bit, but she was still acting funny.

The next morning I felt okay, no headache, if a little tired. I went to work intending to work a full day. I did okay until about 2:30 when I finally succumbed to a headache that had brewing all day. I came home and Lucy was acting even weirder. She was panting, pacing, and walking in circles; she seemed a little off balance. I finally called the vet and they were able to get her i right away. The doctor gave her a clean bill of health, she’s in great shape! I didn’t opt for any blood tests, I figured if she didn’t settle down within a couple of days, I’d bring her back.

I’m glad I took her to the vet, better safe than sorry, but since she was in fine shape, the only alternative was that she was having doggy panic attacks. She’d gotten used to me being around all the time and somehow she knew that I was going back to work the next day. I knew we had a neurotic dog; I didn’t realize it was quite that bad. She’s doing much better today; she knows that I will be coming back. It helps that Maura is going to be around more now that school’s out too. It makes me wonder if Luna is tormenting her when we’re not here!

I came home early again today with a stabby headache. I know everyone told me that I should take it slow, start back with a week of half days, but I was really hoping I’d just be fixed and that’s it. The new drugs are helping, but I’m also trying to be a lot more active than I’ve been in almost two months. It seems that I’m going to have to ease back into reality.

The new drug from the neurologist seems to be working! I haven’t had a headache all day - even the nagging little background headache that’s tolerable but annoying! I’m still pretty tired, but the neurologist said that that side effect would fade in a few days. I definitely have a much better understanding for what it’s like to not be a morning person.

I’m hoping to get back to work next week - I’m still waiting on word from my doctor. I’m amazed at how good I feel - living with that kind of pain for that long and then not feeling it all of a sudden. I’m listening to music again! I’m so freakin’ happy!!

I just met with the neurologist. I passed all of her neuro-tests with flying colors, which means there is no new reason for the headaches. They are simply a result of my brain dealing with the embolization. As she put it “Your brain is mad at you.” She prescribed some painkillers for when it’s really bad and something else that should help with the pain long term. We’ll spend a week or two figuring out the proper dosage of the new drug.

I am, of course having another bad headache now after going to the doctor and then the pharmacy. Every time I try to be even a little more active, I get these headaches - it’s beyond frustrating. She said it could take a few days for the new drug to really start helping. She generally prefers to have patients start it on a Friday night so they have the weekend to get used to it. Since I’m not working right now, I can start it tonight.

The good news is, I should be feeling somewhat normal again soon!

New albums I’ve missed that looking forward to finally hearing: Damon Albarn’s Everyday Robots Liam Finn’s The Nihilist Lykke Li’s I Never Learn The Pixies’ Indie Cindy tUnE yArDs’ nikki nack The Horrors’ Luminous The Eels’ Cautionary Tales of Mark Oliver Everett The Black Keys’ Turn Blue Tobacco’s Ultima II Massage

Books I’ve read: Nick Harkaway’s The Gone-Away World Richard Kadrey’s Sandman Slim, Kill the Dead, and Aloha from Hell Jeff Vandermeer’s Annihilation and Authority Daniel Suarez’ Daemon and Freedom

Comic series I’ve consumed from beginning to end: Runaways Y, The LastMan Invincible Federal Bureau of Physics Grindhouse - Doors Open At Midnight Guardians of the Galaxy saga The Sandman Overture Revival Morning Glories I also got all caught up on The Walking Dead

I think I’ve read a lot more comics than books because they are so much less work to concentrate on. I remember at one point when I was reading Sandman Slim - I was on both steroids and painkillers, a I could actually hear what was going on in the scenes. Not only the main action, but stuff that my brain made up for background noises. I’m sure the lack of sleep enhanced the hallucinations too. It was kinda cool.

This is one of my favorite times of year at The Kansas City Art Institute. The campus is filled with a frantic creative energy. I’m really bummed to be missing it this year. This weekend is the end of semester shows, all of the departments on campus get to show off the top work of their students, much of it for sale. We always find a few treats, and this year was no exception.

I did manage to get out for a little while of Friday night to see a few departments. My friend Erich and I met my coworkers just before five in our offices in Mineral Hall. When I got there, they were acting a little strange, like they didn’t want me to see something. I just wanted to go back and see my desk because it’s been so long, but they were subtly trying to get me out. I managed to sneak past and found this:

It was very good to get out and catch up with a lot of the faculty, staff, and students at KCAI. I feel very lucky to work with such great caring people - no other job has felt so much like home.

Maura and I went back on Saturday so that she could see the shows, since she spent Friday night in Illustration. My head paying the price for being out Friday night but it wasn’t as bad and I had feared it would be. It’s mostly a lot of pressure with stabbing pains every once in a while. Several times Friday night, I would cringe mid-sentence, the pick up where I left off; I’m sure it looks strange. Saturday was the same, although later in the day it was getting worse, with more constant headaches. This morning is much the same. I slept okay last night, although I woke myself up out of zombie dreams several times. I’m sure I’ve developed a higher tolerance after six weeks of headaches. I’m really hoping to get back to a somewhat normal life next week. I see the neurologist on Monday and I hope to go back to work by the middle of next week. I’m anxious to hear what suggestions the neurologist will have for me.

I’m in my sixth week of recovering from the DAVF embolization - sitting around at home doing very little. The few times I’ve gone out, I’ve paid for it later with worse headaches.

I hate to complain, there are times that six weeks of nothing sounds dreamy, but I’m more than ready to get back to real life. As much of an introvert as I am, I miss being around people - I think I’m pretty much fully recharged at this point. I must admit, it took four weeks for me to rally start getting stir crazy. Though I was pretty drugged up for the first three.

As long as I take it easy, the headaches are tolerable. It’s when I try to do much of anything that they get bad. If I can find something to concentrate on, I can tune them out. I’ve been reading a LOT. I lost count of how many books and comics I’ve read over the last few weeks. Also, some TV shows and movies, when I can tolerate the sound. One thing I miss a lot is listening to music. There have been several new releases that I have queued up, but haven’t been able to listen to without pain.

I see a neurologist on Monday, less than a week away now. I’m really hoping that she can help me deal with the pain.

I just talked to my neurosurgeon’s office about the MRI I had on Monday. My doctor said everything looks great. Unfortunately, I’m still having the headaches. They have referred me to a neurologist who will help me with pain management. Hopefully they’ll be able to help and I can finally rejoin society!

I spoke with my neurosurgeon’s nurse practitioner today. They’ve scheduled me for an MRI and an MRA on Monday to hopefully figure out why I’m still having these dang headaches. I should have the results pretty quickly, my neurosurgeon wants to look at them before he leaves town next week.

We just got back from meeting with the neurosurgeon. He’s prescribing yet another round of steroids. Basically, my brain is having trouble dealing with the major changes caused by the procedure. He told us that the impact of the fistula was one of the most extensive he’d seen - a lot of veins in my brain were affected by it. He’s still pretty sure he got it all, but I’m going to have another arteriogram in six months to make sure.

My brain is having to deal with some major changes and it’s not happy. The steroids reduce the swelling which helps with the headaches. In the images he showed us, before and after, you could see a serious decrease in blood flow in the affected areas. The difference was drastic. I could also see the area that he glued.

If I’m still having headaches after the this third round, I’m going to schedule an appointment with a neurologist to develop a strategy to deal with the pain. He said it’s possible that I’ll be dealing with these for an extended period of time, possibly the rest of my life.

Today in the waiting room with all of the sounds, people talking, coughing, sneezing, phones ringing, etc. was nothing short of torture.

Due to continuing headaches, I was prescribed a second round of steroids. I’m on day three of the second round and I’m still battling some crazy piercing headaches, like needles stabbing through my brain. I’ve been trying to wean myself off of the painkillers, since I was almost out of them, but they just prescribed another round.

The neurosurgeon told me I would be dealing with headaches, but I don’t think it’s typical that they persist this long after the procedure.

I’m really starting to feel weird about not leaving the house in two weeks. I’ve been reading a lot of books and comics, when I’m able to concentrate long enough. I’ve also gotten caught up on Dr. Who. Galifrey Lives!

Don’t tell HR, but I’ve been helping my coworkers a little bit via email. Twitter and Facebook are also helping me not feel totally isolated from the world. I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejoin society soon!

I want to thank Maura and my mom and everyone that’s brought treats by for keeping me from gnawing on table legs; the steroids make me ravenous. I’m sure I’ll have gained about 20lbs by the time I’m feeling better.

I’ve been trying to write an update to what’s been going on the last week, but it’s been hard to concentrate long enough to be coherent. I don’t intend for this to come across as whining. I’m just want to document and share my experience.

The steroids that I’m on are some of the strongest available and I started on a pretty high dose. I’m over the halfway point tapering off of them, but my body is still flooded with them. I’ve only had one good night’s sleep and that was only six hours. The rest of the nights I’ve spent either lying in bed wide awake with my racing thoughts or trying to read. Half the time, while doing either one, I’m in a dreamy/hallucinating state. My days have been spent in much the same way, trying to read or watch a show, but unable to concentrate on anything. It took me three days to finally find a book that I found interesting enough to try to finish and I know my brain was inserting things into the stories that weren’t actually there. I’m also taking painkillers which don’t help my mental state all that much either. I’ve been an emotional wreck, flipping from highs to lows rapidly. I’ve basically been a catatonic psychotic junkie, waiting until the next round of drugs.

Maura is a saint to have put up with me this week, I know I haven’t been the easiest to be around. At times, even the smallest noise makes my eardrums reverberate, which triggers an earthquake of pain and misery in my head. When the neighbor was having her driveway replaced last weekend, I was ready for murder.

At this point, I’m trying to cut back on the pain medication but if I wait too long to take it, my head really starts hurting. The doctor mentioned the possibility that I might need another round of the steroids to make sure to stop any swelling, and I’m beginning to suspect that it might happen. I’ve sent them a message to see what to do next and I hope to hear from them tomorrow.

I’ve also been feeling really guilty about missing work. I know it’s been a hard week for my coworkers and I feel bad not being there to help. I’m not going to push myself either though. I wouldn’t be much help even if I were there right now.

Thank you, everyone, for your emails, notes, and support through this. I may not be able to respond right away, but it really helps.

I am pretty drugged up on painkillers and steroids to help my brain to deal with swelling as it comes to terms with what was done to it, so I may not make much sense. Please forgive me. I just wanted to post a small update.

I spent just over 24 hours in the hospital. I was able to get up and around pretty quickly, so they sent me home before lunch on Friday. The procedure itself took a bit longer than expected, I was in there for about four hours. The neurosurgeon ended inserting tubes into both legs to make sure they got all of the fistula. He told us that he’s 98% sure he got it all. I’ll have a follow up visit with him in a couple of weeks and then another arteriogram in six months to make sure it’s all gone. This really is the best possible news.

The most noticeable thing for me is the pulsing sound that I’ve been hearing for about five years is completely gone. It’s a little hard to get used to it not being there, especially at night.

I basically I feel like I have the worst hangover of all time. I didn’t sleep much at all the night before the surgery and I haven’t really slept much in the last five days, which I’m sure it due in part to the steroids.

Yesterday the neighbor a couple houses down from us decided to have her driveway ripped out by a couple of noisy dudes and a bobcat. Even with earplugs in, I could hear the rumble of the engine, the crashing of the cement into the dump truck, all of the the yelling. I was ready to murder someone. I know it’s not their fault, they have no idea. But jeez, of all days they could have picked.

In less than a week I will have superglue injected into my brain. It’s been a rough month of waiting, dampening the joy of the first days Spring and our birthdays. I would like to thank everyone who has offered their thoughts and prayers and help. I am very grateful to all of you. Particularly my wonderful wife and awesome coworkers who have had to deal with my black cloud daily. They have helped me try to stay positive and with the heavy lifting.

If you’re curious, here’s a video illustrating the procedure:

[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch

I have an awesome neurosurgeon:

Superglue helps doctors save Olathe infant’s life

My procedure has been scheduled for March 27th. I really wish it was going to be sooner; I’d like to get past this particular portion of life. It was the earliest day they had available, however. I’ve been pretty busy at work lately and for once I don’t mind so much. It helps me keep my mind off things. The weekends are not so easy, I have time to sit and worry. On the plus side, I don’t feel quite as guilty sitting around playing computer games all day. They are a great distraction! I played through both Portal games again and started playing Borderlands 2.

We just met with the neurosurgeon at KU Med to look at the images they shot during the angiogram. He had told me after the procedure and again today that he was correct in his initial assessment, it is a dural arteriovenous fistula. Today he went into a little more detail about the procedure. Basically, they’ll send a catheter up my leg into the veins in my brain near the fistula and inject glue to seal them off. If they are not able get everywhere they need to they might have to go a different route (the other side of my brain). Thankfully, I’ll be under for this procedure. They really need to be able to seal off all of the fistula otherwise it will slowly come back. I compared it to the four year fight we had with the bamboo in our backyard. If you don’t kill it all, it will keep coming back. That stuff is tenacious!

I will have to stay at the hospital for a day or two afterwards. Yay hospital food…

He did talk about this procedure in terms of it being a cure, but he also mentioned that we’ll have to monitor it to make sure it stays cured. They’ll be imaging during the procedure, he said the results can be seen immediately.

I am very lucky that this was discovered before it caused more damage. If the veins do give out, they can cause brain damage and even death depending on the amount of bleeding. Most people that have this condition don’t find out that they have it until after it starts bleeding out.

It’s serious, scary stuff and I’ve been feeling simultaneously sad and angry about it. Please have patience with me if I seem overly moody. I’ve been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of the situation, but I’m also finding stupid little funny things that help me cope too. I really hope I don’t get an annoying song stuck in my head during the procedure, it might be permanent! I’ve got something on my mind, literally! Yeah yeah, I won’t quit my day job.

I should hear from scheduling soon; the doctor is expecting that I should be able to get in by early March, which is’t even a week away.

The Arteriogram was yesterday. It went well but it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. I now have a hole in my upper leg/groin area that hurt like a @#%(!.

The day was very long. Originally we were supposed to be there at 11:00 to sign in and prep for a 12:00 procedure. It got bumped back several hours due to an emergency. The scheduling nurse came out to talk to us and offered to let us walk around and she’d call when it was close to time for us to come back. We live five minutes from the hospital, so we just went home for a little over an hour. I watched an episode of Dr. Who and caught up on some email.

We got the call and went back to wait some more and then finally went to the prep room where I changed into one of the wonderful backless robes and got all plugged in. We waited some more for the room to become available and then I was finally being wheeled into the operating room. I met some very nice folks who explained everything clearly and even gave me a nice bikini line! She told me a story about an 80 year old gentleman who she had prepped a while ago. He was obviously very nervous and uncomfortable and while she was shaving him, he asked why they had to do both sides. She replied that they might have to switch entry points and besides his wife had entered him into a bikini contest! He laughed and was much more talkative and comfortable after that.

The procedure itself was weird. I was awake with very mild sedation because they wanted to have activity going on in my brain (yeah, I know what your’e thinking now…) They ran a very small tube up into my neck where they would inject dye that would make it’s way into my brain as they were shooting x-rays. Every time they injected the dye, I had to be completely still, with my eyes closed; no breathing, no swallowing, no moving. My neurosurgeon was the one running the procedure and he would repeat that, mantra-like every time. It was almost hypnotic. The dye made my face feel like it was on fire. I could feel it in the back of my throat and at the bottom of my ears but it spread to my cheeks and nose a little. It was kind of like a wasabi rush, very uncomfortable for a few almost unbearable seconds then gone. During a couple of the shots I could see what looked like a million shooting stars. He also said they might make me feel dizzy, but that was not terribly accurate; it was more like the entire world twisted in incomprehensible ways and I was at the center of it.

After the procedure, I had to lie flat for two hours to make sure there was no bleeding or excessing swelling. Never in my life have I had so many different people check my groin so many times. We came home around 7:45 and ordered a pizza. I hadn’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours at that point; I was so hungry! I’m very glad I took a couple of days off from work, I’m feeling okay, but it’s very sore and I’m supposed to be off my feet as much as possible. Walking around is okay, but bending over kills.

I’ll meet with the neurosurgeon next Wednesday to go over the findings and figure out what’s next. He did say after the procedure that he was correct in his initial assessment; it IS a dural arteriovenous fistula. He said it definitely needs to be taken care of soon. I do feel like I’m in very good hands with him. Besides the obvious risks of the fistula, I am really looking forward to not hearing this damn pulsing in my ear any more.

As some of you may know, a little over a year ago I had a mass removed from the crown of my skull. Initially my physician and the general surgeon that he referred me to thought it was just a mass of fatty tissue. It had been there for a couple of years and never really bothered me.

I was on the table and prepped, Maura sitting nearby. The surgeon had the needle with the local anesthetic to my scalp when he realized that his fingers were bouncing with my pulse - there was blood flow in the mass. He quickly pulled the needle away, and explained to Maura and I that he couldn’t proceed with the procedure without a scan and a proper operating room. If he had inserted the needle the mass probably would have started bleeding uncontrollably.

Within a few days I was admitted to the hospital to have the mass removed. The procedure and recovery went well. In my follow up with the surgeon, he told me that what he had removed was a kind of disgusting mass of veins and he told us that it was an arteriovenous malformation (AVM). At about the same time that I had started to notice the lump, I had also noticed that I could hear my pulse very loudly in my ear, much louder in my left ear. With that diagnosis, it made sense that I was hearing it and it should have gone away after removal. The surgeon told me that I would need to talk to my physician if it didn’t go away.

Well, it didn’t go away. It might have faded for a while, or that might have been wishful thinking on my part. But it was definitely back.

About a month ago I talked to my physician about it and he decided to go ahead and do an MRI to see what else might be going on.

After talking to my physician about the results of the scan, it was evident there was something else inside my skull. He referred me to a neurosurgeon, who suggested that I talk to someone at KU Med. This week I finally got in to see a neurosurgeon there.

The good news: I do have a brain, I saw pictures! I almost asked them to email me some of the images, but I didn’t. They were pretty cool looking. It’s really surreal to actually see the inside of your head. I’ll ask them next time I’m there. I know many of you will need to see proof…

So, it turns out it’s not an AVM. The neurosurgeon thinks it’s a dural arteriovenous fistula which is similar to an AVM but not congenital. Blood is traveling through veins that were not designed to handle the pressure. They do the best they can, but they can only take so much so they start dumping the blood out in other places. The thing that I had removed was part of the fistula. It turns out that removing it was probably a bad idea. I’m pretty lucky that it didn’t make things worse inside my skull. If left untreated, it will most likely cause major problems.

I’ll be going in for an angiogram in the next couple of weeks which will provide a very clear 3D image of the area. I’ll be awake for this test, which won’t be fun, but the surgeon assures me that it’s not as bad as it sounds. Plus, I’ll have some sort of drugs to relax me.

After the angiogram, I will most likely have a non-surgical procedure in which they inject glue to fill the blood vessels, through a long tube going into my brain - similar the the angiogram but I’ll be knocked out. It will probably be followed by a focused radiation treatment. The surgeon said that surgery is necessary only 1% of the time in cases like this.

The only symptoms that I’m aware of right now is the pulsing in my left ear. He did several quick tests today to see if anything else was off, and he seemed satisfied that nothing major was wrong yet. As to how it happened, he thinks it could be from severely high blood pressure, which I have dealt with in the past as a result of my thyroid issues.

Small update: The angiogram has been scheduled for next Monday.

I am very honored to have been asked by Kelly and David Kuhn at Blue Gallery to help them with a complete redesign of their website. After many months of work, I am proud to say that it’s now live! This was my first site working with WordPress which is a very different way of working for me. I’ll be honest, there was definitely a love/hate thing going on with it for a while. It’s a powerful web publishing system with all sorts of support out there and tons of useful plugins, but it just wasn’t what I was used to. I have to admit though, once I finished Blue Gallery’s site, I recreated my whole site using WordPress.

Anyway, please go visit the site and better yet, go to the gallery - tell Stella I said hi.

[caption id=“attachment_518” align=“aligncenter” width=“400”] Blue Gallery’s new website[/caption]

In the words of Iggy Pop

Two weeks after my arrival, Fox died Just after sunset I was stretched out on the bed when he approached and tried painfully to jump up He wagged his tail nervously.

Since the beginning he hadn’t touched his bowl once He had lost a lot of weight I helped him to settle on my lap For a few seconds, he looked at me with a curious mixture of exhaustion and apology Then, calmed, he closed his eyes Two minutes later he gave out his last breath.

I buried him beside the residence at the western extremity of the land surrounded by the protective fence next to his predecessors During the night, a rapid transport from the Central City dropped off an identical dog They knew the codes and how to work the barrier I didn’t have to get up to greet them A small white and ginger mongrel came toward me wagging its tail I gestured to him He jumped on the bed and stretched out beside me.

Love is simple to define but it seldom happens in the series of beings Through these dogs we pay homage to love And to its possibility.

What is a dog but a machine for loving You introduce him to a human being, giving him the mission to love And however ugly, perverse, deformed or stupid this human being might be The dog loves him. The dog loves him.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Ben

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I love seeing bands I like perform live. Some of the best concerts are ones in which the band does something a little different than what you’ve heard before. Bon Iver played at the Uptown last night and they were surprisingly loud and flexible with their music. One of my favorite performances of the evening was an excellent Björk cover.

The opening act, Kathleen Edwards, was great too. Beautiful voice, great lyricism, and between songs, a mouth like a sailor. She came across as a very real person.

For more pictures of the concert, check out my flickr gallery: Here

I got my first tattoo on my first wedding anniversary with Maura. I’ve been trying to decide what to do for my second the moment I walked out the door of Exile Tattoo. I’ve toyed with various ideas - cephalopods, skulls/bones, mechanical parts, etc. and couldn’t really decide on anything. I also knew I wanted to have one of the many talented artists I know create it, but everything was up in the air until the Two Headed Beast approached me about coding their website.

The Two Headed Beast is Chris and Mirna Stubbs, two very talented artists, a designer (Chris), and an illustrator (Mirna). I told them I would code their site in trade for a tattoo design. Chris had designed some tattoos for himself and I have to admit that I was a little jealous. I explained my initial to Chris and after some design and critique back and forth, this is my next tattoo:

Yesterday we met with Chet at Mercy Seat and I have a tentative date set to start inking! He seems excited to work on Chris’ designs, yesterday he said “It’s not worth doing if it’s not a challenge”. It should take between six to eight hours in at least two sessions to complete.

In an email today, Chris sent me some fundraising ideas to fund our tattoos. They cracked me up and I had to add a few of my own! He’s getting one soon as well, after having designed mine, he went to work on an idea he’s been mulling around for a while for himself - Chris’ Tattoo. They’re both pretty big and very detailed, they’re not going to be cheap.

His list:

• temporary lawn service: "grass for tats" (I call weed wacking)
• donate blood. it will be symbolic of the needle in the arm thing.
• 1st Fridays we claim a corner and give crash courses in web design/ photoshop on our laptops.
• shoe shine stand
• donate sperm... okay no
• a non-violent bank robbery achieved through the annoyance of begging
• counterfeit with bills that have subliminally printed the phrase "thanks for the tat honey"

• we sell advertising space on our bodies and get logos,etc tattooed in various places. Price depends on size and location...
• scooter delivery service, delivering small items, not scooters
• sell body parts, obviously not ones we’re having tattooed. Do we really need two of everything?
• sell our hair for wigs and paint brushes, it’s big money and if there’s one thing I have in abundance, it’s hair!

Maura’s had a pretty bad cold all week, so although we had reservations for a nice Valentine’s Day dinner on Saturday night, we cancelled them and stayed in. Instead we made an incredibly tasty soup. It’s very quick and easy, but so full of flavor! A few of you asked for the recipe after I tweeted about it so here you go! By the way, this recipe is from Cooking Light Annual Recipes 2009 cookbook - everything we’ve made from these books has been super tasty and good for you too!

Spicy Coconut Shrimp Soup

Ingredients

• 3 1/2 cups fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth
• 1 cup sliced mushrooms
• 1/4 cup finely chopped red bell pepper
• 1 tablespoon light brown sugar
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon grated peeled fresh ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon red curry paste (use more if you like spicy! I used 1/2 tsp. and it still wasn't terribly spicy)
• 1 cup light coconut milk
• 1 pound large shrimp, peeled and deveined
• 1/4 cup thinly sliced green onions
• 2 tablespoons thinly sliced fresh basil
• 2 tablespoons fresh lime juice

Preparation

1. Combine first 7 ingredients in a large saucepan over medium-high heat; bring to a boil.
2. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes.
3. Stir in coconut milk; cook 2 minutes or until hot.
4. Add shrimp to pan; cook 3 minutes or until shrimp are done.
5. Remove pan from heat; stir in onions, basil, and juice.

I know, I know. Yet another post about post (in)frequency. I'll make no excuses; I've neglected this blog for several months. I guess it's a combination of Twitter, free time, and Winter blahs. Strangely enough, now that I'm starting to get motivated again, I'm also about to get really busy with the web dev thing. I have two bids due by the end of the week, one site about to ramp up to the final stages, and another site coming up very soon. Not to mention updates to current sites getting our OWN site up and running. I'm excited, honored, and nervous about all of this. I still can't believe I actually get paid to do this stuff, it started out as a hobby.

In other news, I've finally joined the exciting world of scooters. I bought a 2002 Genuine Stella. Here she is:

I also bought a bright orange helmet:

I've been wanting one for a while. I don't work far from home and it seems a little wasteful to drive a car every day. Beside, it's a blast! I'm having a hard time parking it when I get to work, I just want to keep riding! The second day I had it I rode it out to my mom's in Prairie Village, down State Line. I guess I took to it like a fish IN water - I can't believe I waited this long to get one! The Stella is based on the older style of scooters, all metal - very solid with a manual transmission and a 150cc engine. She'll get up to 70mph or so.

It's the beginning of a new year; a chance to start fresh. All of the bad habits from last year can stay in the past. Whatever. There's actually only been one year in my entire life that I actually followed through with all of my resolutions. My friend and I set some very specific, achievable goals and held each other accountable for them. At first I wasn't even going to bother with any, I usually don't, but as I thought about what I would want to achieve this year, I managed to come up with a few that I could deal with. So here they are, in no particulat order:

1. Develop a thicker skin - I resolve not to let people get to me and make my life miserable, even (especially) the stupid people.
2. 100 pushups - My wife and I have tried this program a couple of times, but some thing kills our momentum and we stop. Not this time, this time I resolve to trudge through the arms feeling like jelly phase and eventually reach 100.
3. Second tattoo - I already have the designs of the next two chosen, I just have to get someone to draw the third one. I resolve to finally get my second tattoo.

That's it for now. They're nothing big, but they are very specific and definitely achievable.

Very cool video, featuring all sorts of faves:

I'd like to present to you the newest addition to the Fowler/Cluthe home:

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We’ve been spending most of our free time working on Maura’s new studio and it’s all been worth it! In fact I took a week of vacation to help with the siding. We’re so excited to see it near completion. There are only a few more small details and it’ll be ready for Maura to move back in!

I've been obsessively taking pictures of the whole process. You can see them all at my Studio Renovation Gallery. Thanks to our friend Mike Mastin and his crew, Mike, Pete, Chris, Randy, and everyone else that helped. They do great work if you need anything done to your house!

I remember going shopping for my mom for Mother's Day one day long ago - my brother and I picked out a plaque which read "This is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life!" Of course, neither of us had the slightest clue what it meant but it sure sounded significant. Over the years, that phrase has stuck in my head. It just pops up every once in a while and I think about what it means. It has always sounded kind of silly and contrite to me, but last night it popped into my head again.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Today, for the first time in a very long time, I can actually say I'm proud to be an American. Today al whole lot of Americans voiced their opinion on how they think conservatives have been running the country for the last eight years. All I can remember since first caring anything about politics is a sense of cynicism and hopelessness. Today I have hope. I woke up this morning feeling like a huge weight had been lifted.

Obama will certainly have his work cut out for him, especially with that new puppy running around the White House!